专家装腔指南

无论如何这篇文章对你都会有帮助的。水皮曰过，只有财经记者不怕老，跟中医一样越老越值钱。因为，长期关注财经某领域，到时候你就是专家了，假如十来年后，你成了专家，此文对你意义重大；假如你十分讨厌成为专家或者对伪专家鉴定乏术，更请关注此文。本文对当下扯虎皮当大旗，以达到各种目的专家、教授，吹嘘和自抬身价的套路做点归纳。（作者注：导语是发内刊的时候加上去的。）

1.得有个头衔，什么学院教授、研究中心主任、所长之类的。虽然满大街都是，已经不稀罕了，但最好还是有一个举世无双、让人过目不忘的头衔。比如，让自己的学生或者自己主笔（署假名）鼓吹自己是什么创业板之父或股权分置改革之父，总之，“之父”是最好的。别管孩儿有他妈没有。当然，一定要注意千万别玩太大了，别吹自己是国父，那个头衔已有主了。

2.得假装很忙，接活儿不要随口答应。当有人找你赶场子，你得这么说：我看下我的行程安排、我让助理看下我的档期。如果给的酬劳足够多，你可以假装说：算了，我暂时把某部长那个局推了，其实，每次给他们部里讲课听得倒是仔细、也记笔记了，可就是不落实，我比较失望（奚落他们一下也好）。看在我跟你（或者他主管的主管，最大的头）的面子上，我答应你，但是，下次请我去得提前三个月跟我助理联系，不要让我为难哦。

3.每次演讲的时候，都要求先发言，说完之后，声称总理或者某副总理约见，要先走一步。

4.演讲中，每次都有意无意地说，这个问题上次在“海里”讲课的时候，我也提到过，领导们很重视，现在这个问题还没得到解决，关键是理论准备不够，实施方案还在责成某部委做，这些部委做事太拖拉了。

5.总有你不会的问题，怎么回答？千万不能说不知道。要这么回答：这个问题我不能公开说，上层已经责令我写过直通最高决策机构的高级内参了，我们有保密纪律，不能随便瞎说，说了属于泄密，对我无所谓，对你们不好，你们还是不要知道的为好。

6.经常对人说，上次加息是我建议的，这次提高准备金率也是我的个人看法。记得那次下调印花税吗？高层多次征求我的意见，我看你们炒股都亏了，也没多想，随口对他们说，还是降点好。一是股市就是不涨，政府也做努力了；二是奥运来了，让股民稳定很重要，第二天财政部就宣布降印花税了。

7.打电话指南。接到记者或中小官员的电话时，突然压低嗓门说，不好意思，某省委书记或某部长打来电话了，假装把手机电话转移；更多的时候，用自己另外一个手机给自己的座机打个电话，然后对手机另一头的人说，不好意思，我得接个保密电话，“海里”打来的，然后暂停电话。

8.吃饭指南。随口对人说一句，昨天在“海里”吃得真够憋屈的，饭菜一点特色都没有，营养倒是丰富，味道不大好，酒还没今晚的好，回家后我又自己吃了很多。其实，每次我都是不愿意去的，没办法。然后……

9.不停地看表，别人一般会这么问：您很忙吗？或说：表不错嘛。第一个回答，某副总有个文章非要我现在去改，明天要用；第二个回答，这表很普通，但是是某总送的，戴两年了，不能换，怕某总发现我没戴生气。

（作者注：该文首先发于新浪微博，后被美国哈佛大学学生主办的TeaLeafNation杂志全文翻译并加编者按和导语，有懂英文的朋友说翻译得非常好，既然这样就把网址和译文一并附上了：http：//tealeafnation.com/2012/10/ translation-a-humorous-guide-to-faking-it-till-you-make-it-in-china/）

附：Translation: A Humorous Guide To Faking

It ‘Till You Make It In China

BY XIAOYING ZHOU ON OCTOBER 23, 2012

He Jiangbing, editor-in-chief of the finance section of Hua Xia Times, recently published a long post entitled? “Guide to Faking Your Expertise”?on Sina Weibo, China’s twitter. The post explores various ways that experts, and especially economists, can act to mark their connection with the Chinese government and advance their own careers.

This isn’t just idle chatter. As He himself confessed, real life material was so abundant that he spent two hours discussing with a media worker how various “experts”applied the 昀rst rule in the following guide. Tea Leaf Nation translates. We hope other strivers and wanna-bes 昀nd it useful.

Guide to Faking Your Expertise

By He Jiangbing

1. A title is always needed, though ones like “professor” “research center chief”and “division chief” are so common they are no longer highly regarded. You need something unique, a title that’ll stay on people’s minds after they see it. For example, you can ask your students to brag you up as the “father of start-ups” or “father of stock division reform” [a stock division, or a 股权分置, is?a corporate structure unique to China]. You can even do the bragging yourself under a pen name. Anyway, “father of…” is the best kind of title. No worries if you’ve not found a mother for that thing yet.

2. Pretend you are always busy, and don’t say yes easily to odd jobs. You can say, “I have to take a look at my schedule” , “I’ll have my assistant check my availability” and if the compensation seems like enough, you can feign reluctant acceptance: “Oh well, I’ll cancel that thing with the minister. Each time I give lectures at his ministry, they are actually quite attentive. The notes they take aren’t bad either. But they never put what I teach them in to practice, which really disappoints me! So I’ll just take this opportunity to show them my disapproval. I’m agreeing to this just for you (or whoever has the highest rank above), but make sure you contact my assistant three months in advance next time. Don’t put me in this awkward situation again!”?

3. Demand to speak 昀rst almost every time you’re at a meeting. After you speak, claim you have an appointment with the Prime Minister or the Vice Prime Minister, then leave.

4. When making a speech, let it be heard casually that “I actually mentioned this problem last time I lectured at the Sea [a nickname for? Zhongnanhai, the fortified compound housing China’s top leadership], and the leaders thought it important. But the reason it’s still not addressed is the lack of theoretical backing. Some commission has been working on a practical proposal, but they’re always so inef昀cient!”

5. There’ll always be questions to which you simply don’t know the answer. What do you do? Admitting your ignorance is the last thing you want to do. Say this: “I can’t discuss this question publicly. In fact, they already made me write on this for a highlevel consultation that was sent through to the highest decision makers. We keep our secrets, so if I spill it, it’s spilling a top secret, which, by the way, won’t hurt me but will make YOU suffer. It’s better that you don’t know the answer.”

6. Go around and tell people often, “The last time they lifted interest rates was on my advice. It was also my idea to lift the reserve ratio this time. Remember that one time we cut down on our stamp tax? They asked for my opinion [on that]many times.”…

7. Guide on how to make phone calls: When you receive a call from a journalist or a minor or mid-level government of昀cial, lower your voice and say: “I’m sorry but I think I just got call from the provincial party secretary/minister.” Move the phone away from you as you say this. Most times, simply use your other cell phone to call your landline, and apologize to the guy on your 昀rst cell phone: “Sorry, got a secret call from the Sea.” After you say this, hang up.?

8. Guide on how to attend restaurant banquets: Casually tell someone, “That meal at the Sea yesterday was really so-so. Their dishes were not so special after all. Tasted bad though full of nutrition. The drinks were hardly better than today’s, and I ended up eating a lot back home after that. Well to tell you the truth, I never want to go to those places, but there’s no other way…”

9. Check your watch constantly. People will usually ask if you’re busy, or compliment you on the nice timepiece. To the first reaction: “A VP needs me to edit an article of his and it has to be right now, since he needs it tomorrow.” To the second reaction: “This watch is really quite ordinary, but it was a gift from a CEO two years ago and I can’t replace it, in case the CEO gets mad when he sees me without it.”