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找到提升点,写出一档文

时间:2023-02-23 理论教育 版权反馈
【摘要】:请你回一封邮件,内容包括:How is everything going?

阅读下面作文,分析其优点,发现其不足,并将其修改为一档文。然后,再参考点评和修改后的文章以借鉴学习。

试题1:

你给英国朋友Chris写一封信,内容包括:

1. 你们原计划7月份一同去云南旅游;

2. 由于脚受伤,你无法按原计划前往;

3. 表达你的歉意并建议将旅行推迟到8月份。

注意:1. 词数不少于50;

2. 可适当增加细节,以使行文连贯;

3. 开头和结尾已给出,不计入总词数。

学生习作修改前:

Dear Chris,

How's it going? I'm writing to tell you a bad news that I can't go on the trip to Yunnan as we planned before, so I'd like to express my apologize here.

The reason I can't go on the trip is that my foot was injured. Last week, when I was playing football, I tried to take a rough turn but failed and fell down. My left foot pained, so I went to see the doctor. He told me that I should wait for at least a month for my foot to recover, during which I couldn't walk for too long. Though I'm still looking forward to our trip, I'm not able to make it.

I'm really sorry for my failing to do as we planned, and I was wondering if our trip could be delayed to early August, when I can walk freely. I hope you could accept my suggestion, and your early reply will be highly appreciated.

Yours,
Li Hua

分析

优点:内容完整、结构清晰、交际性强。

问题:1. 句子间的逻辑不够清晰;

2. 句式欠多样,表达不够丰富;

3. 语言准确度不高。

修改后:

Dear Chris,

How's it going?

I'm writing to tell you a bad piece of news that I can't go on the trip to Yunnan as we planned before, so I'd like to express my apology here.

The reason I can't go on the trip is that my foot was injured. Last week, when I was playing football, I tried to take a rough turn but failed and fell down, having my left foot injured. My left foot pained me so much that I went to see a doctor. I was told that it might be at least a month before my foot recovered, so I couldn't walk for too long. It is a terrible pity that I'm not able to make it though I'm still looking forward to our trip.

I'm really sorry for my failing to do what we planned, and I was wondering if our trip could be delayed to early August, when I can walk with ease. I hope you can consider my suggestion and your early reply will be highly appreciated. (173)

Yours,
Li Hua

一档作文欣赏

Dear Chris,

I am writing to extend my sincere apology that I can't make it to Yunnan this July.

Beyond all doubt, missing the valuable opportunity to travel with you is the last thing I want to do. Nevertheless, I was so misfortunate that I had my leg broken while riding my bike. The serious fracture and the unbearable pain make it impossible for me to walk, not to mention to travel for a rather long distance. As a result, it would be such a relief to me if you could be so kind to understand my situation and forgive me.

In addition, I know you have been expecting the trip for a long time, which should not be ruined just because of my injury. Thus, I suggest that we should shift our trip to August, when my injury will not be a problem. I would appreciate it if you could tell me whether the change is convenient for you.

Looking forward to your reply. (163)

Yours,
Joe

试题2:

假设你是红星中学高三学生李华,你的美国朋友Jim想了解你校学生课外阅读情况。请你回一封邮件,内容包括:

1. 你校学生课外阅读现状;

2. 你的看法。

学生习作修改前:

Dear Jim,

How is everything going? I'm writing to answer your questions about the extracurricular reading in our school.

Most of us have already formed habits of reading and found efficient ways to learn from the books, thanks to the school's policies giving students plenty of time to learn by themselves. Though we, students in Senior Three, hardly have time and energy for outside class reading, as a result of the massive burden we are facing, some of us still spend hours enjoying reading on weekends. It is the thoughtful reading guide made by our teachers that has been helping us to pick good books. Generally speaking, students of all grades in our school have been reading a wide variety of books, ranging from Homer of ancient Greece to Mo Yan in China, which benefit us in both knowledge and spirits.

I think that reading plays an important role in development of our minds and psychological health, which cannot be replaced. So not only should the students regard reading as part of their lifestyle, but also the schools are supposed to relieve the burden of homework for more reading.

Best wishes!

Yours,
Li Hua

分析

优点:要点齐全,结构清晰,表达准确。

问题:1. 中间段落句子之间的逻辑混乱。应该先介绍整体阅读情况,再详细说明;

2. 结尾缺少交际。

修改后:

Dear Jim,

How is everything going? I'm writing to answer your questions about the extracurricular reading in our school.

Generally speaking, students of all grades in our school have been reading a wide variety of books, ranging from Homer of Ancient Greece to Mo Yan in China, which benefits us in both knowledge and spirits. And it is the thoughtful reading guide made by our teachers that has been helping us to pick good books. Most of us have already formed the habit of reading and found efficient ways to learn from the books, thanks to the school's policies giving students plenty of time to learn by ourselves. Though we, students in Senior Three, hardly have time and energy for outside class reading, as a result of the massive burden we are facing, some of us still spend hours enjoying reading on weekends.

I think that reading plays an important role in the development of our minds and psychological health, which cannot be replaced. So not only should the students regard reading as part of their lifestyle, but also the schools are supposed to relieve the burden of homework for more reading.

I hope my introduction to students' reading in our school can be of some help.

Best wishes!

Yours,
Li Hua

一档文欣赏:

Dear Jim,

How are you doing?

Knowing your interests in learning the extracurricular reading in our school, I am writing to introduce you some information about it.

Frankly speaking, the situation isn't so encouraging. According to the last survey, only few students read after class. Here are some possible reasons. Firstly, students have so much homework to do that they don't have much spare time to do some reading. Secondly, I think many students haven't realized the benefits of reading and have shown a poor passion for it. If you wander on campus, you will find students chatting or listening to music, but seldom will you see students holding a book reading. Generally speaking, our students haven't formed the habit of reading.

In my opinion, I think it's quite necessary for us to read extracurricular books outside class, for reading can not only broaden our horizon but also help us learn more knowledge in various subjects. So I think that it will be better if our school does something, such as reducing the quantity of homework or encouraging students to read, to form a reading atmosphere.

What's your view on this situation? I believe you can come up with a better solution!

I am looking forward to you reply!

Yours,
Li Hua

试题3:

你打算毕业后去美国留学,想咨询你的美国朋友Chris,请你根据以下提示写一封信。

1. 目的:增长见识,体验文化;

2. 困惑:语言障碍,学业压力;

3. 征求建议。

注意:1. 词数不少于50;2. 可以适当增加细节,以使行文连贯;3. 开头和结尾已给出,不计入总词数。

学生习作修改前:

Dear Chris,

I've finally made my decision to go to America for further study after high school.

I've been longing to go to America, mainly for two reasons. One is that I can experience American culture, and the other is that I can broaden my mind in this country. But I have some worries. My English is a bit poor, especially spoken English. I'm afraid I'll have trouble communicating. Besides, I may suffer from heavy pressure from college course.

I hope you can offer me some practical advice.

Looking forward to your reply.

Yours,
Joe

分析

优点:要点完整,结构清晰,交际性强。

问题:细节不够充分,需要根据主题和内容要点添加更多细节。

修改后:

Dear Chis,

How are you doing recently? I have planned to study abroad in America after I graduate from high school, so I am writing to ask for your suggestions.

Amazed by the atmosphere the US creates by combining diverse cultures from all over the world, I really want to broaden my horizons and experience the cultures during my stay there. However, what bothers me most is the language barrier which I may face and have to surmount. I can communicate fluently with you by e-mail, but when it comes to speaking, I will lose my confidence, stammering badly. Besides, I also worry about whether the study pressure in college is great or not. As far as I am concerned, the educational system in China is so different from that in America, so I don't know if I can manage my school work successfully.

Could you please give me the answers to the questions above and any suggestions? I really need them so that I can make full preparations before my trip. Your helpful opinions will be much appreciated.

I am looking forward to your early reply. (185)

Yours,
Li Hua

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